Revenge for Lucy!
by coral2000
Summary: Some idiot cheats on Lucy, and, well... the guild doesn't let him off easy. Oneshot. Practically a crack-fic. Rated T for cursing.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Fairy Tail, or any of it's characters! OC is mine, I guess, but I don't really want him. -.-' I mean, who does? He's a total dick.**

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><p>Caden felt their presence before he saw them. It was this prickling feeling on the back of his neck… he turned around quickly. Sitting there, a few tables away from him and his current "girlfriend" Alisha, a group of three people were staring at him ominously.<p>

There was a beautiful redheaded girl… oh, he'd dump Alisha for her in a heartbeat. A flirtatious smile tugged on his lips as he studied her, but it quickly melted away when he saw her death glare; it made him feel like his bones had turned to ice. He suddenly found himself unable to meet her eyes.

Shivering, he looked at her companions – two (admittedly good-looking) guys, one with pink hair, the other with black hair. They were all looking at him like they were planning his death, which was pretty freaky, seeing as they all seemed like they could beat him to a pulp.

Swallowing down his uneasiness, he turned to flash a white-toothed smile to Alisha (_was_ that her name?), who giggled. _Too easy._

An arrogant smirk found its way onto his lips as he lifted his coffee for a drink. But as soon as it touched his tongue, he yelped loudly. The coffee was scalding – it was like the temperature of molten lava. He flailed for a moment before getting himself under control, feeling like his tongue was blistering.

Alisha looked at him questioningly, but he wasn't looking at her, because the trio he had been studying earlier was snickering. The pink-haired guy looked especially pleased with himself.

"_Please_," snorted the black-haired boy. "Let me show you how it's done, Flame Brain."

Caden smiled reassuringly at the girl in front of him before getting to his feet, intent on confronting the trio, ready to face them off even if they scared him to death. He was no coward (or, at least he didn't think so), and the group seemed a little too happy with the painful turn of events.

But, as soon as he got to his feet, he wobbled. When he tried to take a step forward, his foot slipped and he slid on a patch of icy ground, face-planting. Wait… why was there ice in the café?!

Scowling, he pushed himself up to see the black-haired boy howling with laughter, somehow devoid of his shirt. The pink-haired boy was grudgingly congratulating him as the redhead looked on with amusement. Finally, she said, "Let's go. Everyone else wants a turn, too."

As they began to leave, Caden sighed in relief, getting back into his seat and ignoring Alisha's confused expression. But they stopped at his table first.

"So… you're Caden?" asked the redhead, a look of complete death taking over her face. The two boys snickered in the background, the pink-haired one cracking his knuckles.

Unsure of whether he could talk with a burnt tongue, Caden nodded slowly… and was suddenly punched in the face. Hard.

His nose began to bleed. Alisha screamed as he scrambled for some napkins to hold to his gushing nose. When he looked back up, the three were gone.

Luckily, Alisha bought his excuse that some gang of troublemakers were against him for finding out about their illegal crimes – it's okay about the injuries, though. He'd gladly take them, in exchange for how he took out their mafia leader.

Alisha gushed over his story, her eyes sparkling. Pretty, but there were prettier girls out there. Blondes were a little too airheaded for his taste, anyways, (I mean, who would buy his stupid story about him beating a gang leader?) and his last girl had been blond, too. He was getting a little tired of them. He should try his luck with someone else…

So he told her that he'd see her later, and that he was worn out. She smiled and giggled and waved goodbye as he stalked off, his nose still a little crooked and his tongue stinging.

As he went for a shortcut back to his apartment through a park, he saw what seemed to be another couple.

They were dressed weirdly, and the girl had green hair. They were both carrying guns.

Caden gaped openly. Were they actually allowed to be armed like that in a park full of annoying, little, and screaming children?

And then the girl aimed for the boy, laughing. "Got you, Alzack!" she grinned. She shot, but the bullet hit the tree behind the boy, exploding into fluorescent green paint. Paintballs.

"I won't miss next time!" she called, but her smile had turned into one that seemed almost… _evil_. And she was looking right at Caden.

"Come on, Bisca," said the guy – Alzack, Caden supposed. "Let's go!"

Caden shrugged them off, but as soon as he looked away, he felt a sting on his side and heard a sickening squelch. When he looked down, he saw that the front of his shirt was covered with green paint.

The girl, Bisca, ran up to him. "Sorry," she apologized. "I wasn't looking to see where I was aiming."

_Girls shouldn't carry even fake guns. It's not like they know anything about things that aren't makeup or cooking,_ Caden thought to himself. But the girl was pretty hot, so he smiled charmingly at her and began to say, "It's okay."

But he never finished his sentence because there was a sudden, sharp pain on his back. He whirled around, his shirt sticking disgustingly to his skin, coated with black paint. Alzack, or whatever-his-name-was, was standing there with an unreadable expression.

"Sorry," he said, not sounding sorry at all. "I was aiming for Bisca."

And then there was pain on his forehead. He opened his mouth to yell, but green paint dribbled into his mouth.

"Headshot!" called Bisca, her lips curving up. "Sorry, though. I was trying to shoot past you and hit Alzack."

"Hey!" scowled Alzack. He lifted his guns.

"Stop!" yelled Caden, spitting bitter green paint out of his burnt mouth. But it was too late.

Sharp pain from paintballs exploded across his body, along with neon paints. He stood there, spluttering and dripping, as the couple laughed and ran off.

"I told you I wouldn't miss!" he heard a girl's voice yell, mischievously. He scowled, wiping his mouth with his hand, only to realize his hand was covered with paint, as well. Paint stuck to his eyelashes, obscuring his vision.

Worst. Day. Ever.

_What was even wrong with people today?!_ thought Caden bitterly to himself. _First, those creepy people in the café, and now some demon couple?_

As he kept walking, ignoring the laughter of random people on the street, he heard a pretty, feminine voice call out, "Hey, are you okay?"

He looked up to see two gorgeous silver-haired girls accompanied by a hulking man.

The shorter girl with the cropped hair smiled at him, her eyes crinkling. "You're covered in paint," she noticed.

Had it been any other day, he would've immediately stopped and began flirting with the two girls, who looked like complete models. But his day had sucked epically so far, so he spit some paint out of his mouth, wincing at his burnt tongue, and snapped, "Yeah, I can kind of tell."

The girl looked taken aback.

Her older sister (he assumed they were all siblings) patted her comfortingly on the back before shooting Caden a glare.

He scowled defiantly back – he wasn't intimidated by any flower-wearing girl, not at all – and a shadow seemed to pass over the girl's face, making her look, just for a moment… like a _demon_. Smiling sweetly, she headed towards Caden. Her eyes blazed as she stared him down, her suddenly-red lips curling into a sneer that pulled at the crack running along her face.

"Don't come near _any of us_ again. We _will _find you. And you're going to pay for what you've done," she hissed, before backing up and regaining her innocent smile. "Okay?" she asked, beaming. Before he could answer, she had walked off.

He stared after her swaying skirt, stunned at the sudden aura of dread around him. Did she seriously just threaten him for snapping at her little sister?

A shadow fell over him, and he squinted up to look for the source. It was the man he assumed was their brother.

Caden scowled. "What? Are you going to get mad at me, too? Because there's gonna be a lot of shit-talking in life, and if your _precious little sister _over there doesn't fucking get used to it, then-"

His rant was cut off by the man's vicious glare and low words, "Cheating on a woman is _not_ manly."

Caden frowned, puzzled. "What does that have to do with anything?" he demanded, only to be met with the bright smile of the youngest sister.

He opened up his mouth to speak, but his words came out as a strangled squawk instead as his face was met with a stinging slap. "That was for my friend, _cheater_," said the girl cheerfully, before running after her siblings.

Rubbing his stinging jaw with a fierce scowl, Caden tried to piece together everyone's words. Who was the last person he'd cheated on? It was hard to keep track. But it's not like any of them had friends like this; they were all worthless…

The paint on Caden's skin had dried so that it flaked off when he walked. A little boy with black hair pointed, yelling, "Look, dad! He's shedding like a lizard!"

The boy's dad chuckled, ruffling his son's hair. "Now, Romeo, that's rude," he said, not sounding like he meant it at all. But then he looked up, and his eyes met Caden's. His face hardened. "Never mind, Romeo, you can say all you want about that guy," scoffed the dad, and his son promptly stuck out his tongue at Caden as they walked past.

_What was up with everyone?!_ Caden nearly tore out his hair with frustration. Just cheating on a few girls wouldn't turn all of Magnolia against him, would it?!

As he kept walking, he bumped into a curly-orange-haired, round-bellied man who said in a deep voice, "Don't hurt one of us again. Or anyone."

And then he came across a pretty brunette with glasses, a stoic man with long, mint-green hair, and someone wearing what looked like armor, only to have the woman push up her glasses professionally and say, "Look, none of us care for her personally, but this is about _us_. And you're not getting out of this easily."

"Who are you talking about?" Caden had demanded.

But the only reply he received came from the armored man, who smiled a scarily large grin and said, "The cosplay girl." Like _that_ helped him remember.

As he tried to walk away, he found himself unable to leave unless he screamed that he cheated on girls to the whole street. And he was hounded by creepy-looking voodoo dolls the rest of the way home. Was this some kind of a screwed up nightmare?

He went home and took a shower, scrubbing furiously at the paint until his skin was red, but the color still stayed. He had a black eye from the fist to his face on his date, his tongue was burned, and there was an obvious slap mark on his cheek. What he really needed now was a drink. And he _so_ did not mean fruit juice.

As he headed to the nearest bar, he pulled out his phone. Distracted by a text message he had gotten from the hottest girl he'd seen lately, he accidentally crashed into an ominous looking guy with piercings for eyebrows and a mane of spiky black hair. A small girl was hanging onto his arm, smiling happily. Two guys were stalking them – one of them had ridiculous hair, the other one had a ridiculous hat.

The man stopped just to glare creepily, before snatching Caden's phone and biting viciously into it. The phone was gone in two more bites.

"_What the fuck, man?!_" screamed Caden, backing up.

"You deserve it," sneered the man. "Come on, Levy."

He tugged on the smaller girl's arm, but she frowned, looking fiercely determined. "You're really confident, aren't you?" she asked Caden, crossing her arms.

The man glared. Caden took a few more steps back, feeling trapped. "Get away from me," he scowled. The girl shrugged, saying some words he could barely hear, before walking off with the phone-eating guy, yelling, "That was for my best friend!" over her shoulder. The stalkers followed her, gushing about how awesome she was.

"Solid Script: Acne?" repeated Caden in confusion. "What's that supposed to mean?" He reached out to touch his face, which felt oddly bumpy. Realizing what must've happened, he jerked back with a scream. "Some creepy witch cursed me with acne!"

Freaked out, he ran the rest of the way to the bar.

When he got there, he saw a gorgeous brunette drinking her way through a barrel of wine. This was his chance! She was a freaking model, practically, and she was probably too wasted to even notice his… erm… _facial issues._

He approached her with a smirk, leaning over and asking, "Hey, what's your name, beautiful?" That line _always_ worked. The stupid female was totally suckered up by his flattery, and… _wait_. _What if she was one of _them_?!_

She looked him over and snorted. "Nice acne, creeper," she laughed, a little tipsily. "And is that paint on your arms?"

He relaxed. _Of course she wasn't one of them. She was just some drunk woman-_

Wine sloshed over him as the "drunk woman" dumped her entire barrel of wine over his head. He gasped, feeling the stench of alcohol cover him and sting his eyes. The woman laughed loudly. "Wasted a ton of wine," she managed between laughs. "But it was _so_ worth it."

Two men next to her high-fived her, chuckling. There was a guy with weirdly-styled orange hair and a cigarette, while the other guy – _hey. _The other guy was the dad he had seen earlier with the kid named Romeo who had called him a lizard! They were all in a league of some sort! The whole town as against him!

Hyperventilating, Caden ran out of the bar soaked in wine. He sprinted by the river, hoping to make it back to his apartment without any more strange confrontations, but he collided with a small, blue-haired girl.

His eyes widened and he froze. _She was probably with them, too!_

His suspicions were confirmed when she cried out, "You're mean!" and kicked his shin. She tried to apologize immediately afterwards, but a white-haired cat scowled and scolded her for trying to be nice to someone like him.

What did that mean?! And, more importantly, _since when could cats talk?!_

Another blue-haired girl was standing there, but she was more of a teenager than a child. She was carrying an umbrella and wore a bland expression. "Drip, drip, drop," she said. "Juvia is part of Fairy Tail now. She will not let you hurt her friends."

_What in the world was Fairy Tail?!_

As the weird girl lifted her hand in a menacing gesture, Caden squeaked and ran off. It was raining suddenly, and it rained over him the rest of the way home. But, for some reason, the stench of alcohol didn't wash off.

Finally he made it safely back to his apartment. Exhausted, he collapsed on his bed and fell asleep immediately.

When he woke up, he tried to convince himself it was all a dream. Half-believing himself, he staggered to his mirror, just to find himself littered with various scrapes and bruises, his skin dyed green and black, and his face covered in pimples. He was even getting a nasty bruise from when the little girl kicked him, and he _still_ smelled like wine.

Scowling, he reached for his phone to see if he had a date, only to remember that the pierced weirdo had _eaten it._

He stumbled out to take a walk by the river, where he normally went to try to pick up girls. He walked into someone and froze up immediately – was it one of _them_? Had they found him again?! Were they ever going to leave him alone?!

He looked up, expecting… well, he didn't know what he was expecting, exactly. Luckily, he realized the person was just Alisha.

"Oh, sorry," she laughed, before blinking at his face. Studying him carefully, she gasped. "Is that you, Caden? What… What happened?"

He didn't say anything, but Alisha followed him as he walked, trying to help but only serving as an annoyance. As he tried to figure out the best way to dump her without her slapping him, they came across a group of people by the river – and one person in it.

The blue-haired girl in the water could easily be considered pretty, but it was ruined by her extremely stuck-up, snobbish expression. A challenge, huh? He could totally go for a challenge after Alisha's clinginess.

She was talking to someone who seemed to be her boyfriend; that was okay, too. He could get her to dump him.

Among their group was a soft-looking girl with a fluffy dress, an emotionless girl in a maid's outfit, a fashionable man with a girly pout and scissors, and various others. There was also an orange-haired man with blue glasses; there was a big flock of fangirls around him.

Caden scowled. He would have to set that man in his place.

Alisha gasped when she saw the man, blushing when he looked her way.

When the man noticed them, a self-assured smile grew on his face. "Sorry," he announced loudly to the girls. "I've got class, unlike that guy there." He jerked his chin towards Caden, pushing up his glasses smoothly. "I don't go out with multiple women at once."

Alisha gasped. "What?" she floundered, looking back and forth between the man and Caden.

"He's cheating on you, darling," clarified the orange-haired man. "I'm sorry."

The weird people around him nodded, shooting disapproving looks in Caden's direction. He backed away slowly. _They were all part of _them_! This was some sort of a conspiracy! They wouldn't stop until they ruined his life!_

He turned around and made a mad dash to safety, only to crash into someone, _again_. Caden flinched, waiting for the attack, but all he got was a bubbly laugh and a, "Sorry, sir. I wasn't looking at where I was going."

Caden opened his eyes cautiously, before gasping, "Lucy?"

The girl scrutinized him. "Do I know – Caden?!" She blinked in surprise, her cheeks reddening in anger. "Lucy Kick!" she yelled, her foot colliding with him where no man wants to be kicked. "You _jerk!_ Did it make you feel better, _huh?!_ Was cheating on me really all that great?!"

Caden doubled over in pain as Lucy suddenly erupted into giggles. "Ohmygod, look at you!" she laughed. "What… what happened?!"

"Hey, Luce!" someone interrupted.

Caden looked up to see someone sling their arm around Lucy's shoulders. But not just anyone… it was _the pink-haired man! _The one who started all this chaos!

And - there! It was those other two people who had been with him – the redhead and the stripper! They were greeting Lucy! And there was that creepy rain woman! And the guy with the piercings! And the acne witch! And… and _all of them!_

He blanched, the blood draining from his pimpled face. The pink-haired man shot him an evil look. "Don't come near Luce again," he threatened. "And if you do this to anyone ever again, we'll find out." His hands erupted into flames.

Caden nodded furiously, too scared to even scream in shock at the fire engulfing the guy's fists. He turned and ran.

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><p>"You guys didn't have to do that for me," Lucy protested. "I don't even care about him!"<p>

"You were crying," said Mirajane gently, squeezing her hand. "It was no trouble. In fact, it was a little fun!"

Lucy laughed. Natsu - all fired up - stood on a table with his hands blazing. "I burnt his tongue!" he boasted, as Gray scoffed.

"Well, _I_ tripped him!" "That's LAME, stripper!" "Better than you!"

"I gave him acne, Lu-chan!"

"I dumped a barrel of wine on him! You should've seen his face!"

"I sent all my babies after him!"

"Even though you are Juvia's love rival, Juvia felt the need to stick up for her friend-"

"I kicked him! I tried to apologize, but Carla wouldn't let me… and I… I'm glad, too!"

"I know this doesn't make up for your heartbreak, but I punched him in the face. I didn't use my armor, but I hope you're still satisfied-"

"His phone tasted _disgusting_!"

Lucy waved her arms around until everyone settled down. "Thanks, everyone," she said with a huge smile. "It _does_ make me feel a lot better…"

"Take_ that_, stripper!" "Oh, it's _on_, Flame Brain!" "Fighting is a MAN!" "That doesn't even make sense!" "Hey, wait for me!" "What do you think you're doing?!"

Lucy sweatdropped as another fight broke out, sighing to herself. At least she knew they cared…


End file.
